Bobby® Tells All
Names named! Names Dropped! Names Pretended to be Forgotten! You’ll find it all in Bobby’s tell-all unauthorized autobiography: “Bigger Than Bieber: Newer, Hotter, Younger.” Bobby’s life story is now at the printer, and as soon as Kinko’s calls, it will be available here. While supplies last!
Bobby Brands® Self Help Division
Bobby’s super-hot new self-help guide to fame is available now on cassette or 8 track. Call while supplies last. Contains all-new guided meditation. Repeat after Bobby, “I’m due on stage in three minutes” … “As I was telling Rihanna last night” … “Sorry, no autographs right now” … “It’s not my fault: Those priests were sick individuals” … “Make sure Oprah knows I’ve called several times” … “Get off my lawn, you kids” … “Why, yes, I do know George Clooney.”
“Have Fame, Will Travel”
Bobby!!!® is now available for personal appearances. Milestone birthday party? Bobby will come to your crib, act like you two hang out all the time, and seem vaguely bored. Dateless on Grammy night? Bobby will be your red-carpet arm candy. For a modest surcharge, he will pose for photos snorting coke off your belly, at the after-party of your choice. With the premium package, Bobby will plead guilty to one misdemeanor count of stalking you. Lawn getting unsightly? Bobby Brand International’s landscaping division can handle that, too.
Everybody and her co-star wants to be seen in Bobby!!!’s® Bling. All the big stars are getting caught shoplifting it. Bobby!!!® busted the family jewels to create this exclusive line. Available on QVC and at Dollar General and other fine retailers everywhere. Make her feel special: Tell her you’re on a first-name basis with Bobby!!!®
Bobby!!!® knows how busy your booty is. That’s why he created a cologne for tomorrow’s woman. No time to shower? No problem. Splash on a little Bobbette, and heads will turn … away! Anna Wintour called it “a cross between Old Spice and downtown Piscataway.” Antonio Banderas got one whiff and proclaimed, “Good lord, what is that stuff?” The scent that launched a thousand sniffs: Get yours today!